Day after day we are faced with the thoughts that come across our minds. What do we do with these ideas, pictures, reminders, even lies? How do we respond to them? How do we manage them? I would like to open my heart up a bit and allow you to see the battle my mind endured and how God had victory.
When I was young I had quite an unstable upbringing. By the grace of God, when I was in junior high things changed in my home when my parents started serving the Lord. However, by this age I had seen and experienced more than any child should ever have to endure. I had made up my mind that I did not want anything to do with God. I had not had the best example, or any example, of what honor or intimacy in a relationship looked or sounded like.
I started making poor decisions early in high school and allowed rebellion and carelessness to take root in my life. My senior year of high school, my brother, whom was one I would consider to be a best friend, turned on me in an unhealthy manner. When I approached my parents about the issue I was blamed for being treated this way because of my own actions. I was told I deserved it because of the way I dressed and behaved.
In 2003 I graduated school and went on to college. With a wild lifestyle, no guidance, and the thought that it didn't matter anyway because, no one seemed to care what I was going through, I threw myself into broken and meaningless relationships and circumstances. I did so with no care or understanding of the mess I would have to sort through later.
“I was so foolish and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You hold me by my right hand.”
Psalm 73:22-23
Some time later I met the amazing man I am privileged to now call my husband, Eric. God sure is amazing! Because of my past, I was not interested in just dating a guy, but desired to give my heart to the one I would marry. Eric had the same standard and we were quickly married after a short engagement.
I really had no idea what a real marriage looked like, I just knew what the Bible said: to be submissive. Now how on earth was I supposed to know what this meant when I didn’t know a single female who actually cared what their husband said? I tried my best and did everything that I thought would make my husband happy. I thought and thought and thought about all the areas that I was lacking in because of my past. I thought about how I had nothing to offer because I gave it all away. I thought about-- if only I was better at this or that. I thought about how if I would have not done this then it wouldn’t be like this, or if I had just done that maybe we would be happier. With all this thinking, I began to live in the reality that I wasn’t good enough, that my husband was so disappointed in me because all he wanted was a 'good ole Proverbs 31 wife' and all I did was fail at everything he wanted me to be. I allowed my thoughts to actually convince me that he would be happier if he just found a wife that could give him all the things I never could.
I lived in this delusion for almost 7 years of my marriage. If I could actually paint a picture of what my mind looked like on the inside it would be horrifying. In September of 2012, I began encountering some health issues that brought all of my insecurities and personal failures to the forefront of our marriage. I did not handle it well- but all things work together for His good (Romans 8:28). My mind had so convinced me that I was such a failure and that things would be better if I wasn’t a part of the equation. I was no good, I couldn’t be loved, and it was all my fault because of my choices and actions. Sound familiar? I had heard that before.
I was on the verge of the most horrifying decision any person could ever make. I was about to leave my husband because I believed that all these things were also exactly how he felt about me, and I convinced myself that he told me this himself, and that everything he asked me to become I could never measure up to.
One night I was sitting in my house with my amazing pastor and my husband asking me “What is your decision?” Then, from nowhere, His truth penetrated deep into the innermost parts of my mind and I mumbled these simple words to Eric:
“I am trying to be something you never asked me to be.”
From that moment on I loved Eric more that I ever did any day before that. I did not feel a rage towards him like I had in the past. You may be thinking “Well what caused that?” Its simple: Truth. Truth was spoken to a lie.
“Then you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
John 8:32
The past is in the past; I cannot undo what has been done and neither can you. But I have a husband who loves me and married me for this purpose. I have a God who gives grace to the humble. We must refuse to let the past define our future and constantly stand in Truth. Your mind is your own, it is yours for the taking.
God is a good Father and he has good things to say to his children. Seek Him, abide in Him, His truth will set you free.
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts you.”
Isaiah 26:3
Tawnya received Jesus Christ as her savior in 2005. She met and married her husband Eric in 2006. They have two children, ages 3 and 4. Tawnya and Eric worked many years in the furniture industry until they became youth pastors at their church in Klamath Falls, Oregon where they served for four years. Currently, Tawnya and her family are serving as full time missionaries to the central region of Mozambique, Africa with Iris Ministries. To learn more about her families' current ministry please visit their website at www.weaverfamilymissions.weebly.com. |